I’m A Red Neck 4 Evah!

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The muffler was bad in my old Chevy when I got it over a year ago.

Trust me when I say, it hasn’t gotten any better.

The thing sounds like shit and I leave for work at 6 AM every morning.

I’m sure more than one neighbor has been getting woke up when that old bastard fires up.

So I called a local muffler shop right after I got off work, while I was still in the parking lot.

I tell the guy what I have, 89 Chevy 1/2 ton, 2 wheel drive, 350 Small Block, I believe 2 1/2 into the muffler and it has two tail pipes coming out the back.

Wayul he says, it depends.

(Here we fucking go)

It depends on if’n your tail pipes ain’t rotten.

If they are still OK, it’ll be $185.

But.

But we’re booked solid for two weeks.

Now if’n your tail pipes are rotten, I can do a 2 1/2 in and a 2 1/2 out for $180, plus another $90 for a new tail pipe.

But.

But we’re booked up for two weeks solid.

Yeah, OK, so $275, PLUS TAX and yer booked up two weeks solid.

Got it, thanks.

Click.

Fumble fuck around for a minute, RING RING, Hello, Tony’s Auto Parts.

( It’s a womans)

So I go through the spiel again and ask her if they have a muffler.

Hold on.

Pretty soon she comes back and say’s they got something called a “Raptor” and it should fit.

$45.

Can you say “Turbo Muffler”?

So I ask if they have clamps and hangers and elbows and such and am assured that they do.

Thank’s darlin, I’ll be up there shortly.

I get up there and I see Jackie, the owners daughter,

Early 40’s, long dark hair, a little chubby but Cuter. Than. Hell., has a great sense of humor and is married to Rasputin’s second cousin removed.

I flirt with her all the time because we both know it’s completely harmless.

I ask her what the part number of that muffler she looked up for me was.

She looked confused for a second and say she didn’t look up any mufflers, must have been this other chick.

Who I have never met and have absolutely no idea who she is.

OOPS!

I laughed and told her about my conversation with this chick and she laughed too.

I fumble fucked around some more and had to have somebody else look up this muffler, now the third time I have had to explain the particulars.

This guy leads me over and we dig out the right one.

Then I am looking for clamps, hangers and an elbow.

No clamps, no elbow but they do have the hanger.

Once Again.

OK, gimme this, gimme that and gimme one of the band clamp thingies and I’ll see if I can make this work.

Off I go.

Get home, open the garage and start digging for Ye Olde Cordless Ryobi SawZall that is now at least 22 years old.

Find that bastard and crawl under the truck.

Lots of sound and fury but not much cutting action.

Crawl out, find another blade, change that sonofabitch and go at it again.

Because this old muffler is off to one side and this SawZall is so long, I am having a hell of a time cutting any damn thing.

Fuck This Noise.

Back into the garage and snag one of the several Harbor Freight $9.99 Angle Grinders I have laying around, put a new Cut Off wheel on it, drag an extension cord out there and start in again.

Fuck around, fuck around and fuck around some more, it took me at least 45 minutes to get the tail pipes cut off and the damn muffle cut.

Sparks everywhere.

Had the Cut Off wheel get grabbed when the exhaust sagged and the fucking grinder started smoking before I could get it unstuck, then it got stuck again but when I yanked it out at speed, it bounced off the pipe wrong and the disc exploded.

Thankfully I was smart enough to be way off to the side while doing all this and I didn’t get hurt. At the moment.

Finally got that shit out and skinned off the end of the muffler pipe off the exhaust pipe and got it all ready to put the new one on.

I managed to get lucky and there was a clamp at the front of the old muffler that I could reuse.

I stick the new one up there and it is looser than shit so I am trying to balance the fucker with my knee and tighten up this clamp at the same time.

Much cursing and muttering later, I get the damn thing up there and tightened up.

The only thing holding this whole show up is one single hanger, in front of the muffler.

It’s still fairly early at this point so I picked everything up, threw it in the garage, shut the door and headed down to….

O’Reilly’s.

The only thing nearby.

I get there, walk in and immediately see Muh Diversity behind the counters and just walk right fucking by all of ’em.

Back in the corner I find the miscellaneous exhaust parts.

Lots of little chrome goodies for the Rice Burners, of course.

However, I did find an elbow and some clamps.

I thought I had an exhaust tip that fit but wound up taking that back in.

Lord help me.

The obvious Chicano woman manager is talking to some guy, the Bright Red Dye haired one that looked like she was corn fed couldn’t use the cash register because the guy the manager was yakking at was logged in.

Big Red is flummoxed.

I stuck my arm up and snapped my fingers at Chica, this actually got her attention. When she looked my way, I flipped my hand over and pointed at Big Red.

She motions for the guy and comes over and unlocks the cash register.

Fiddle fuck around and Big Red asks me what my phone number is.

I say Uh Uh.

She say’s it’s required for returns.

I tell her to use hers.

Stunned cow at the slaughter house.

Figure it out chick, I ain’t giving you my phone number and you ARE going to give me my money back.

It took a minute but she looked around the cash register like five times and punched in the store number.

Gooooood girl.

Here’s biscuit.

I get my shit, WITHOUT having to be asked if my vehicle has air conditioning and went out in the parking lot to put it on.

Oh fuck no, the hanger needed to be drilled out.

Get home, start to drill the hanger out and this happened.

That was one of several dripped across the garage floor.

My own damn fault, I fucking knew better but it happened.

MORE CURSING and muttering.

I finally got the fucker drilled out and installed.

Sometime in the future I will find some chrome Doo Dad to put on the end of it so it sticks out just in front of the tire, but at the moment, it’s good enough for me.

It sure as shit didn’t cost me no $300 fucking dollars either.

The thing is actually quiet yet still has a bit of a throaty note, just slightly.

Fucking thing anyway.

So yeah, after all these years, I’m still a Genuine Red Neck.

25 thoughts on “I’m A Red Neck 4 Evah!”

  2. If you don’t give at least a token blood sacrifice to The Mechanical God(s), you ain’t doin’ anything important!

  3. So, the only thing missing that REALLY would have made this exciting would have gone like this:

    “911, what’s your emergency?”
    Nosy Karen “Some guy is stealing a catalytic converter at …..”
    “What does he look like like?”
    “Kinda tall and thin, dirty clothes, white”
    “IS he still there?”
    “Yes please send help, he’s really angry as well!”
    “We should be there soon, please stay on the line”

    Within minutes, hut hut shows up in a bearcat and takes drags Phil out from under the truck at gunpoint. Hilarity ensues even further…….

    Meanwhile Portland is still a shit hole.

    • I must be over tired because I just read what I commented and the visual has tears of laughter streaming down my cheeks….

      Thanks for making my coffee time enjoyable buddy!!

    • Irish that was my first thought as well. Laughing my ass off now.

      Phil, no blood no foul. We could probably paint our cars with all the blood letting.

  4. I appreciate you sharing. I didn’t know you could buy those kinds of parts. Now I do! I will definitely try to DIY if I that happens to me.

  6. I had an ’88 a few years back. If that still has that enormous original cat converter, you ought look at replacing that too, with a much smaller high flow aftermarket one. Mine was so plugged up that the new one made it seem like a brand new engine was under the hood. It ran better, revved up faster, I swear I gained 20 hp immediately. Even sounded better without being loud and annoying. If I remember, I had to buy a length of spacer pipe cause the aftermarket was so much smaller. But same as you, cut the old one out and use clamps. Use some of that muffler goop on the clamps and no leaks. Plenty good.

    • Nah. Take the bastid off and beat the hell out of it with a 2X4 with the holes pointing down (each side). A 4 pound hammer will dent it up too bad. A lot of black powder will fall out. Replace on car and you are good.

      • At the time it wasn’t quite old enough to be exempt for smog check at the yearly inspection. But yeah, yank it out if you don’t need it anymore

  8. Far as the phone number goes, it’s easier to work within the system than explain to a mutant why you don’t want to do what they want – like give you a phone number.

    SO give them one.

    Go to Google voice and get a free number. That’s the one I use. It’ll transcribe messages, so you can see whos calling without having to answer.

    Otherwise, use your phone number with the last 4 digits backwards. 972-599-2492 becomes 972-599-2942 or something like that. it’s simply a number they can use to find you in the system and that prevents them from calling you. By using your number scrambled you can remember it. Also when any site not financial or medical asks for my birthday, I use my brothers.

    • About 15 years ago, wife and I ditched the landline. I always give them that number. Somebody is pissed at all the calls they get, but it’s not me.

  10. Where is the barb wire or coat hanger? Real rednecks always use barb wire or a coat hanger. Hanger? We don’t need no store bought hanger. Go acrost that road and cut me a piece of that asshole neighbor’s fence wire for me.

    • Barb wire, coat hanger, my old man always said you could fix anything with bailing wire. I guess you know the environment he grew up in.

  11. Two words – Rock Auto.
    Even with shipping, it is about half the price of the Box Stores. That, and you get to pick what you want, not settle for what they have.

    Igor is correct. No job is complete without a blood sacrifice to the gods.
    I’m nursing a semi mangled finger after last weekend at The Farm. Had a 10 ton Port-o-Power and a 12 ton bottle jack trying to straighten augers in the mixer wagon. I heated the twisted flight with the torch, then wailed it with the 3lb hammer. At first strike, the bottle jack flew out from under the auger and hit me in the left index finger. Instant blood and almost no pain – that is what concerned me. It hurt so much that my pain receptors shut off – ie: went into shock. Luckily, it caught my hand in mid-air from a foot away and not crushed it against the steel wall. Otherwise I may have really gotten hurt. That was Saturday. I came back the next day and finished the job. Hurt like hell though.

    As for my New Hampshire Brother, he is a sick and twisted individual. Which explains why we are friends. I got a great chuckle out of that.

    Leigh
    Whitehall, NY

    • Leigh is right. “All the Parts Your Car Will Ever Need”, Rock Auto!
      Ohio Guy

    • “Igor is correct. No job is complete without a blood sacrifice to the gods.”
      Chevys are notorious for requiring a blood sacrifice before accepting repairs.

  12. Those rental tail pipe cutters work great. Like a bunch of little tubing cutters on a chain.

    • Knowing a plumber, and having to work with CAST IRON drain pipe, those chain cutterws are pretty darn cool! The little ones work just fine in tail and other pipes, without crushing them…

  13. Actual rednecks, and I are one, don’t give a shit what the neighbors think. There isn’t one within 100 yards, and when I leave for work @ 0530, most of the few I do have are already gone to work, leaving, or about to.
    If I wake up their roosters, fuck ’em, they needed to be getting up anyhow.

  14. WAY better than attempting a weld on traction bars, 1963 Chevy II straight axel lifted funny car 6-cyl black faded from white, yellow, red flame (Go Bob!), when complete, arc to gasoline leak melted welding helmet…. Ouch, but OK

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