I found this so funny, I just had to share. Was sent to me by a friend who found it on Facebook. Given Irish’s recent “adventure”, I thought you might enjoy it as well. Having had several colonoscopies myself, I can certainly relate.
Enjoy!
What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I’m glad you asked…
12:05 pm: It’s time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it’s a lukewarm PBR. It’s suppose to be grape flavored but it’s becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.
12:06 pm: You eat a handful of chips, It’s going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don’t care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You’re about to enter a very dark period in your life.
12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted crap in your colon and you basically just drank the “safe for humans” version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it’s time. You’re wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.
Take note…this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.
12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it’s boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you…you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can’t run… NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3…2…1…
12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God…is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The crap/ water mixture you’ve just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.
Is that blood?
False alarm.
That’s just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving…when you were 5. The smell is horrid…the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your butthole to soften the blow but it’s not working. The whole house just heard your liquid fart as it gurgled out of your butt.
1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything’s a blur. You have crapped out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800’s, and your butt now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.
You’re now curled up in the bathtub crying because you have to remain within arm’s reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.
You meet Jesus.
8:37 pm: You’re broken.
Your butthole is broken.
Your spirit’s broken.
Life as you know it will never be the same. But…tomorrow’s a new day. You’re going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear have and you’re going to run up to Walmart with the last shred of dignity you have left…and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You’ve earned it ..
An Amazon review for ‘sugar free gummy bears’.
This, is my story. I used to just be normal , then I found this… this beautiful bag of sugar free gummy bears. Little did I know that they would change my life, and not for the better. Like many, I’ve seen the graphic sugar-free gummy bear reviews. I thought they were just people with a lot of extra time on their hands. I was entirely unaware of the physical toll this would take on my life.
As you have probably assumed, I bought a bag, ignorantly, I ate half the bag as soon as they arrived, not wanting to give myself any chance at a favorable day. Approximately three hours later, Ragnarok
began, starting as just a low gurgling as my insides turned to magma waiting to be released. I was just watching Parks and Rec when the first eruption came forth from my unsuspecting bowels. I shot off the couch and into the bathroom just in time to save my boxers from being torn in two, the force of the fluid spewing from within nearly hurled me from the porcelain throne.
The aftershocks were enough to wound any mortal man, as i used wipe after wipe, it was as if I had sprung a leak, I almost used a mirror to checkup on my poor anus when the dripping finally ceased. I walked out cockily because I thought I had beaten the Hell Bears.
Around thirty minutes later, when playing Quick Play in Overwatch, the gastric fumes began to escape, signaling another appointment with the facilities. This time, I screamed, “Fire in the hole!” before another attack on my now sensitive rectum, just when I thought my second battle was over, a tsunami flooded through what felt like the eye of a needle.
Obviously, I had had enough of the pain these Bears had wrought when as soon as I sat down again, a sharp pain hit me in the pelvic region, and I knew that this was going to be the worst evacuation of them all. When I sat down any other man might have cried like a kindergartener who got the white crayon, the sheer velocity with which my body expelled this putrid elixir would have put a ray of light to shame.
At this point, I was sick and tired of the way these Bears of pure hatred had treated me, so I ejected what I thought was the last of the Potion of Death from my cavities. It wasn’t. later that night, I was finishing up my delightful dinner, with the Bears behind me and nothing but sunshine and lollipops ahead when I felt a knock in the depths of my intestines. Thinking it was nothing I ignored it; that was the wrong choice. Less than a minute later, I bolted to the bathroom… occupied, thankfully, I was fast enough to run to a spot in which I still have nightmares ,my parent’s restroom. This was one of the worst days of my life, I will forever remember the day my G.I. tract disappeared. That was my story. I hope to never have to read yours, for your sake.
All in all ,pretty good texture, okay taste. However ,colonic cleansing wise, ten out of ten, five stars.
I laughed till I cried over that dialogue! And I’ve meet Jesus several times during my colonoscopy preps. 🤣
I had a colonoscopy about 5 years ago. My experience has the additional procedure – mandatory shots in the gut. I had a heart valve replaced (artificial), meaning I am required to take blood thinners. Only for colonoscopys, I have to stop taking them in case the colon is ruptured and there is no way to stem the flow. So I have to receive shots in stomach 4 times a day, for five days prior to procedure. I chose to do that shots myself, vs. having to go to a nurse practitioner every time. Real pain in the butt. When I got my INR (blood viscosity) checked, the number was really low – major danger of blood clot forming and stroking out. My stomach area was black and blue from 20 shots given. Not pretty.
Strangely, my ‘purge’ did not have nearly the drama mentioned above. After 1st ‘snake poop’, the next 6 – 8 hours was pretty tame. I took half the day off for work and was damn glad I did – I slept much better then starting the purge in late afternoon. I began at 2 pm and was pretty much done by 8 or 9 pm. Next morning, the procedure went off without a hitch.
Welcome to my world. Ain’t Fragmin wunnerful!??
Although, I have no problem with taking the shots, I do a ring around my navel, as directed. Slight problem the first round getting the courage to stick myself in the stomach, but I got used to it. My INR dropped to a little above 1.0 (q1.1? don’t remember), but no problems otherwise. I get to see the Doc in 3 years. Whoopee!
I can administer those injections with no hesitancy or pain on my part…
Bend over, I’ll show you how it’s done.
You don’t understand Igor, I stated no pain on my part, meaning I will have no pain… I can’t say the same to you, nurses have a better grasp of what will cause pain and discomfort…YMMV
INR isn’t exactly a measure of blood viscosity, it’s a measure of clotting capacity based on prothrombin (PT) results. (Yes, proteins such as PT can increase blood viscosity, but that’s not what INR measures. It’s unfortunate that warfarin is often described as a “blood thinner” — this confuses the terminology. And as the nurses and other people around here who draw blood know, a syringe of blood from someone with INR=3 looks and feels different than a normal INR=1.0. But still.)
INR (international normalized ratio) was developed to have a uniform scale from one hospital to another. Before INR the “scales” could vary depending on which place did the test.
Heparin (or lovenox) isn’t supposed to affect the value of INR much. In other words, even when you are “protected” (from clotting) by using heparin, you’re unlikely to have a high (or even “therapeutic”) INR level. Heparin is used as a “bridge” to surgery for people normally on warfarin. Obviously the surgeons don’t want to be cutting on someone who has trouble clotting, so warfarin (which takes days to fade) is discontinued. Heparin (or lovenox) is used instead. It has a much shorter half-life than warfarin, so stopping it in advance of surgery leaves the patient unprotected for a shorter amount of time than you’d have with warfarin.
Great belly laughs we all probably needed today.
I had a similar experience. The one difference can be summed up with the phrase; “Prep Kit Instructions do not instruct the user to stay home from work”. I got caught in traffic and ran from street to bathroom.
You’re darn lucky you made it!
Laughed my ass off on this one. Nothing like sophisticated humor.
Had three of these things and still dread the next one.
Nicely written Phil! I am due for one soon, so I hope I don’t go through that hell.
Phil didn’t write it. I got it from an email sent by Sandy, she should be the one thanked.
Clear liquid diet for one or two days prior to the to the colon prep significantly reduces those dastardly results detailed above. Ask me how I know. 😁
Yeah, colonoscopies. Forget the procedure, it’s routine. It’s the prep that is the source of good stories. …and I don’t care who you are, the stories are always funny.
My first one, I had to drink that gallon of brown, disgusting stuff called “Go Lightly”. Really, it should be called “Step Lively”. I thought I had plenty of time. I mean, for about an hour nothing happened and the bathroom is just right there down the hall.
Nope.
It hit me as sudden as the general alarm – “Gong! Gong! Gong!”. I got up out of the chair and headed toward the bathroom. It immediately became obvious that I was going to have to pick up the pace, so I trotted. Then I ran, all the while undoing my belt and zipper. I was almost undone when I quickly flipped the lid up – and the damn thing rebounded back down. But, I made it – barely. And when I sat down, it felt like everything inside of me below the middle of my chest immediately just fell out into the commode.
And stink! Oh my God, that was bad! (My wife and I considered repainting the bathroom and the septic tank hasn’t been the same since.)
After that first one, it was not too bad except for not getting much sleep due to the every half hour trip to the facilities.
Why didn’t you just take your pillow in?