10 Inefficiencies In Government Computer Systems Identified By DOGE Workers

Feb 6, 2025 · BabylonBee.com

The Trump administration’s Department of Government Efficiency has been on the warpath against federal waste and turning over every seedy rock to shed light on inefficiencies in our nation’s agencies and institutions. Government computer systems are no exception.

The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of glaring inefficiencies found in government computer systems:

1. All machines were still running Windows 3.1: C’mon, government… at least upgrade to Windows 95.
2. The internal IRS chat platform was two cans tied together with a string: The Biden administration had already requisitioned 174,000 more cans for its 87,000 new agents at a cost of $20 billion.
3. The FBI couldn’t make phone calls while the CIA was using the dial-up line: You wouldn’t believe how many times a CIA agent got kicked off the internet because some dumb FBI agent picked up the phone.
4. The Social Security numbers for every American were being stored in one big MS Word doc: To keep it secure, they disguised them by using the Wingdings font.
5. Government internet access was provided by AOL: Welcome!
6. The nuclear launch codes were stored in a Texas Instruments graphing calculator: Thankfully, nobody ever knows how to work those things.
7. The FBI Most Wanted database was just pictures of Catholic moms and a Magic 8 Ball: The bureau was only targeting the worst of the worst.
8. Woke government programmers kept trying to make the computer language non-binary: This caused the entire government computer mainframe to identify as inoperable.
9. Every single computer in the entire government was plugged into one giant power strip: This accounts for the constant strain on the U.S. power grid.
10. All agency computer passwords were “password”: Fortunately, DOGE changed all passwords to “password1” to preserve national security.

Fixing the inefficiencies listed above should make the federal government run like a well-oiled machine in no time.